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By Rick Nauert PhD
In a study of newlywed couples, researchers found partners believe the frequency of sex does not influence relationship quality. This opinion, however, appears to lack validity as investigators discover partners’ autonomic behavioral responses suggest otherwise.
“We found that the frequency with which couples have sex has no influence on whether or not they report being happy with their relationship, but their sexual frequency does influence their more spontaneous, automatic, gut-level feelings about their partners,” said psychological scientist Lindsey L. Hicks of Florida State University, lead author on the research.
The study appears in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.
“This is important in light of research from my colleagues demonstrating that these automatic attitudes ultimately predict whether couples end up becoming dissatisfied with their relationship,” Hicks said.
From an evolutionary standpoint, frequent sex confers several benefits. Sex improves chances of conception and helps bond partners together in relationships that facilitate child-rearing. But when researchers explicitly ask couples about their relationship satisfaction, they typically don’t find any association between satisfaction and frequency of sex.
“We thought these inconsistencies may stem from the influence of deliberate reasoning and biased beliefs regarding the sometimes taboo topic of sex,” explains Hicks.
Because our gut-level, automatic attitudes don’t require conscious deliberation, Hicks and colleagues hypothesized, they might tap into implicit perceptions or associations that we aren’t aware of.
The researchers decided to tackle the question again, assessing partners’ relationship satisfaction using both standard self-report measures and automatic behavioral measures.
In the first study, 216 newlyweds completed survey-style measures of relationship satisfaction.
Participants rated various qualities of their marriage (e.g., bad-good, dissatisfied-satisfied, unpleasant-pleasant); the extent to which they agreed with different statements (e.g., “We have a good marriage”); and their overall feelings of satisfaction with their partner, their relationship with their partner, and their marriage.
Then, they completed a computer classification task: A word appeared on-screen and they had to press a specific key to indicate whether the word was positive or negative. Before the word appeared, a photo of their partners popped up for 300 ms.
The rationale behind this kind of implicit measure is that participants’ response times indicate how strongly two items are associated at an automatic level.
The faster the response time, the stronger the association between the partner and the word that appeared. Responding more slowly to negative words than to positive words that followed the picture of the partner would signify generally positive implicit attitudes toward the partner.
The researchers also asked each partner in the couple to estimate how many times they had had sex in the last four months.
Just as in previous studies, Hicks and colleagues found no association between frequency of sex and self-reported relationship satisfaction.
But when they looked at participants’ automatic behavioral responses, they saw a different pattern: Estimates of sexual frequency were correlated with participants’ automatic attitudes about their partners. That is, the more often couples had sex, the more strongly they associated their partners with positive attributes.
Importantly, this finding held for both men and women. And a longitudinal study that tracked 112 newlyweds indicated that frequency of sex was in fact linked with changes in participants’ automatic relationship attitudes over time.
“Our findings suggest that we’re capturing different types of evaluations when we measure explicit and automatic evaluations of a partner or relationship,” says Hicks.
“Deep down, some people feel unhappy with their partner but they don’t readily admit it to us, or perhaps even themselves.”
The researchers note that participants’ reports of how often they remember having sex may not be the most precise measure of sexual frequency. And it remains to be seen whether the findings are applicable to all couples or specific to newly married couples like those they studied.
Taken together, the findings drive home the point that asking someone about their feelings or attitudes isn’t the only way to measure how they feel.
“These studies illustrate that some of our experiences, which can be either positive or negative, affect our relationship evaluations whether we know it or not,” Hicks concludes.
Source: Association for Psychological Science
TBy Rick Nauert PhD
Research looking at how the timing of sexual initiation in adolescence impacts adult romantic ties finds that having sex later may lead to better relationships.
iming of First Sex Has Far-Reaching Relationship Effects
In a new study, Dr. Paige Harden, a psychological scientist, investigated how the timing of sexual initiation in adolescence influences romantic outcomes — such as whether people get married or live with their partners, how many romantic partners they’ve had, and whether they’re satisfied with their relationship — later in adulthood.
To answer this question, Harden and colleagues from the University of Texas at Austin used data from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health to look at 1659 same-sex sibling pairs who were followed from adolescence (around 16) to young adulthood (around 29).
Each sibling was classified as having an Early (younger than 15), On-Time (age 15-19), or Late (older than 19) first experience with sexual intercourse.
Harden’s findings are reported in a new research article published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.
As expected, later timing of first sexual experience was associated with higher educational attainment and higher household income in adulthood when compared with the Early and On-Time groups.
Individuals who had a later first sexual experience were also less likely to be married and they had fewer romantic partners in adulthood.
Among the participants who were married or living with a partner, later sexual initiation was associated with significantly lower levels of relationship dissatisfaction in adulthood.
Researchers found that these associations with a later sex experience were not changed when genetic and environmental factors were taken into account. Furthermore, the associations could not be explained by differences in adult educational attainment, income, or religiousness, or by adolescent differences in dating involvement, body mass index, or attractiveness.
Experts believe the results suggest that the timing of first experience with sexual intercourse predicts the quality and stability of romantic relationships in young adulthood.
Although investigators have often focused on the consequences of early sexual activity, the Early and On-Time participants in this study were largely indistinguishable.
Researchers say the data suggests early initiation is not a “risk” factor so much as late initiation is a “protective” factor in shaping romantic outcomes.
According to Harden, there are several possible mechanisms that might explain this relationship.
It’s possible, for example, that people who have their first sexual encounter later also have certain characteristics (e.g., secure attachment style) that have downstream effects on both sexual delay and on relationship quality.
They could be pickier in choosing romantic and sexual partners, resulting in a reluctance to enter into intimate relationships unless they are very satisfying.
It’s also possible, however, that people who have their first sexual encounter later have different experiences, avoiding early encounters with relational aggression or victimization that would otherwise have detrimental effects on later romantic outcomes.
Finally, Harden said that it’s possible that “individuals who first navigate intimate relationships in young adulthood, after they have accrued cognitive and emotional maturity, may learn more effective relationship skills than individuals who first learn scripts for intimate relationships while they are still teenagers.”
Experts say that additional research is needed to help to tease apart which of these mechanisms may actually be at work in driving the association between timing of first sexual intercourse and later romantic outcomes.
Prior studies by Harden and her colleagues have provided evidence that earlier sexual intercourse isn’t always associated with negative outcomes.
For example, using the same sample from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, she found that teenagers who experienced their first sexual intercourse earlier, particularly those who had sex in a romantic dating relationship, had lower levels of delinquent behavior problems.
She said, “We are just beginning to understand how adolescents’ sexual experiences influence their future development and relationships.”
By Rick Nauert PhD
A new study examined the sexual satisfaction — or dissatisfaction — of heterosexual couples in long-term relationships. Researchers discovered sexually satisfied couples use a variety of methods to keep sexual passion alive.
The study is one of the largest studies to date to scientifically examine what contributes to a satisfying long-term sex life. Researchers discovered foreplay, setting the mood, mixing it up, and expressing love are all factors that satisfied couples said they do regularly.
“Sexual satisfaction and maintenance of passion were higher among people who had sex more frequently, received more oral sex, had more consistent orgasms, incorporated more variety of sexual acts, took the time to set a mood, and practiced effective sexual communication,” said David Frederick, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and lead author of the study.
“Almost half of satisfied and dissatisfied couples read sexual self-help books and magazine articles, but what set sexually satisfied couples apart was that they actually tried some of the ideas.”
To gauge sexual satisfaction over time, couples were asked to rate their sex satisfaction in the first six months together and then rate it for now. Dr. Frederick’s team learned that the overwhelming majority (83 percent) of people reported they were sexually satisfied in the first six months of the relationship.
Only half of people, however, reported currently being satisfied (43 percent of men and 55 percent of women), with the rest feeling neutral (16 percent of men and 18 percent of women), or dissatisfied (41 percent of men and 27 percent of women).
Another set of items addressed whether respondents believed their sexual passion was the same, less, or better now than early in their relationship.
“We looked at common romantic and sexual behaviors that are rarely assessed in the literature but are likely important contributors to sexual satisfaction,” said Dr. Frederick.
“For example, while sexual variety is deemed important for sexual satisfaction, evidence on the effectiveness of specific forms of variety — such as showering together or wearing lingerie, or use of sex toys — is lacking.”
Specifically, the research team found that sexually satisfied men and women engaged in more intimate behaviors, such as cuddling, gentle and deep kissing, and laughing together during sexual activity. Partners also incorporated more acts of sexual variety such as trying new sexual positions or acting out fantasies more frequently. Additional tactics to improve satisfaction included setting a romantic or sexual mood such as lighting candles or playing music, and using communication effectively, such as saying “I love you” during sex or sending a teasing text earlier in the day.
Researchers also found that sexually satisfied men and women gave and received more oral sex, orgasmed more frequently, and had sex more frequently.
Some key findings of the research included:
Satisfied men and women were more likely to report that their last sexual encounter with their partner was “passionate,” “loving and tender,” or “playful”. Nearly half of sexually dissatisfied women (43 percent) said that they were “just going through the motions for my partner’s sake” compared to only 13 percent of sexually dissatisfied men during their last sexual encounter. Few people reported feeling pressured into sex by their partner (two to three percent).
About half of satisfied men (49 percent) and women (45 percent) reported their last sexual encounter lasted more than 30 minutes, compared to only 26 percent of dissatisfied men and 19 percent of dissatisfied women.
Satisfied men and women were more likely than dissatisfied men and women to say they: tried a new sexual position, wore sexy lingerie, took a shower or bath together, talked about or acted out fantasies, gave or had a massage, went on a romantic getaway, tried anal stimulation, made a date night to have sex, or used a sex toy together.
Feeling desired by their partners appears to be more of a problem for men than for women. Only 59 percent of men compared to 42 percent of women reported they felt less desired by their partner now than in the beginning. In contrast, two-thirds of men compared with half of women reported feeling as much desire, or more desire, for their partner now as in the beginning of the relationship.
Most men and women reported feeling the same or more emotional closeness during sex now than in the first six months of their relationship (69 percent of men and 72 percent of women). Less than half of dissatisfied men and women, however, felt this way.
Dr. Janet Lever, a co-author on the study, stated “It was encouraging to learn that more than one-third of couples kept passion alive, even after a decade or two together. That won’t happen on auto pilot; these couples made a conscious effort to ward off routinization of sex.”
The study, called, What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction is Associated with Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. Study, appears in the The Journal of Sex Research.
Researchers examined more than 38,747 married or cohabiting heterosexual men and women in the U.S. who had been with their partner for at least three years. The average age of the sample was 40 years old for women and 46 years old for men.
Source: Chapman University
By Janice Wood
A new study has found that an imbalanced gender ratio affects views on casual sex for both men and women in ways that people don’t consciously realize.
For instance, a greater proportion of women than men on college campuses may contribute to a hook-up culture where women are more willing to engage in casual sex and are more aggressive toward other desirable women who are perceived as rivals, according to the study.
“If your gender is in the majority, then you have to compete with a lot of rivals, and you can’t be as selective or choosy,” said lead researcher Dr. Justin Moss, an adjunct psychology professor at Florida State University. “You might also have to cater to the demands of the other sex more often.”
The gender ratio at U.S. colleges has become more skewed over the past decade as more women attend college and graduate at higher rates than men, who are more likely to drop out, he noted. Last year, 57 percent of college students in the United States were women, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, with the gender ratio even more imbalanced at some schools.
For the study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the researchers conducted a series of experiments.
In the first, 129 heterosexual university students — 82 women and 47 men — read one of two fake news articles stating that colleges in the local area were becoming either more female-prevalent or male-prevalent. The students then completed a survey about their attitudes toward casual sex and their prior sexual history.
When the gender ratio was favorable — meaning one’s own gender was in the minority — both men and women adopted more traditional sexual roles, with women less interested in casual sex than men, according to the study findings.
When the gender ratio was unfavorable — with one’s own gender in the majority — those roles shifted as men and women tried to appear more desirable to the opposite sex. If there were more women than men, women stated they were more willing to engage in casual sex. If there were more men than women, men tended to place less importance on casual sex and be more open to long-term commitment.
In another experiment with 177 university students — 73 women and 104 men — both men and women were more willing to deliver painful sound blasts to attractive same-sex competitors when the gender ratio was unfavorable, the researchers reported.
After participants read either the male-prevalent or female-prevalent article from the first experiment, they were told they would be competing on a time-reaction task against a same-sex partner in another room, although there was no real partner and the participants’ responses were recorded by the researchers.
One group was shown a picture of an attractive competitor who was described as an outgoing, sociable student, while the other group saw a photo of a less attractive competitor who didn’t go out much and played a lot of video games.
In the task, the participants were told to hit a computer key as soon as they heard a tone played through some headphones. When participants lost, they heard a painfully loud noise blast. When they won, they got to choose the length and volume of the noise blast that would be inflicted on the competitor.
The students who believed there was an unfavorable gender ratio were more likely to display unprovoked aggression with longer and louder noise blasts against attractive partners, the researchers discovered. The same effects weren’t seen for unattractive partners, possibly because they weren’t seen as a threat, the researchers hypothesized.
When the gender ratio was favorable for participants, they were less aggressive toward attractive competitors.
Moss said he believes the same effects may be seen in other areas with imbalanced gender ratios, such as high schools or workplaces that are predominantly male or female, and even in smaller environments like bars.
“If a woman goes to a bar and notices a lot more women and thinks she has to compete, maybe she can consciously alter the course of her actions or leave and go to a different bar,” Moss said.
“Someone’s personal views toward casual sex play an important role, but there also are environmental factors that people should consider.”
Source: Society for Personality and Social Psychology
By Rick Nauert PhD
Research looking at how the timing of sexual initiation in adolescence impacts adult romantic ties finds that having sex later may lead to better relationships.
In a new study, Dr. Paige Harden, a psychological scientist, investigated how the timing of sexual initiation in adolescence influences romantic outcomes — such as whether people get married or live with their partners, how many romantic partners they’ve had, and whether they’re satisfied with their relationship — later in adulthood.
To answer this question, Harden and colleagues from the University of Texas at Austin used data from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health to look at 1659 same-sex sibling pairs who were followed from adolescence (around 16) to young adulthood (around 29).
Each sibling was classified as having an Early (younger than 15), On-Time (age 15-19), or Late (older than 19) first experience with sexual intercourse.
Harden’s findings are reported in a new research article published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.
As expected, later timing of first sexual experience was associated with higher educational attainment and higher household income in adulthood when compared with the Early and On-Time groups.
Individuals who had a later first sexual experience were also less likely to be married and they had fewer romantic partners in adulthood.
Among the participants who were married or living with a partner, later sexual initiation was associated with significantly lower levels of relationship dissatisfaction in adulthood.
Researchers found that these associations with a later sex experience were not changed when genetic and environmental factors were taken into account. Furthermore, the associations could not be explained by differences in adult educational attainment, income, or religiousness, or by adolescent differences in dating involvement, body mass index, or attractiveness.
Experts believe the results suggest that the timing of first experience with sexual intercourse predicts the quality and stability of romantic relationships in young adulthood.
Although investigators have often focused on the consequences of early sexual activity, the Early and On-Time participants in this study were largely indistinguishable.
Researchers say the data suggests early initiation is not a “risk” factor so much as late initiation is a “protective” factor in shaping romantic outcomes.
According to Harden, there are several possible mechanisms that might explain this relationship.
It’s possible, for example, that people who have their first sexual encounter later also have certain characteristics (e.g., secure attachment style) that have downstream effects on both sexual delay and on relationship quality.
They could be pickier in choosing romantic and sexual partners, resulting in a reluctance to enter into intimate relationships unless they are very satisfying.
It’s also possible, however, that people who have their first sexual encounter later have different experiences, avoiding early encounters with relational aggression or victimization that would otherwise have detrimental effects on later romantic outcomes.
Finally, Harden said that it’s possible that “individuals who first navigate intimate relationships in young adulthood, after they have accrued cognitive and emotional maturity, may learn more effective relationship skills than individuals who first learn scripts for intimate relationships while they are still teenagers.”
Experts say that additional research is needed to help to tease apart which of these mechanisms may actually be at work in driving the association between timing of first sexual intercourse and later romantic outcomes.
Prior studies by Harden and her colleagues have provided evidence that earlier sexual intercourse isn’t always associated with negative outcomes.
For example, using the same sample from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, she found that teenagers who experienced their first sexual intercourse earlier, particularly those who had sex in a romantic dating relationship, had lower levels of delinquent behavior problems.
She said, “We are just beginning to understand how adolescents’ sexual experiences influence their future development and relationships.”
Source: Association for Psychological Science
BY DR. TRINA READ
FDA advisers have offered their endorsement of a new sexual enhancement druf for women, here’s how it works.
Getting aroused is more than a physical act, it also requires a readiness of the mind.
“ Our biggest sex organ—the brain—plays an important role in regulating a woman’s sexual desire.”
Sex and relationship expert, Dr. Trina Read, is ready to answer your questions.
How does this new female sexual enhancing drug Flibanserin work?
Flibanserin was created as an anti-depressant, but trial testers quickly noticed it enhanced women’s sexual desire.
Our biggest sex organ—the brain—plays an important role in regulating a woman’s sexual desire. Flibanserin helps brain chemicals increase the downstream release of feel-good dopamine and norepinephrine while reducing stress-inducing serotonin in the parts of the brain dealing with sexual desire.
However, there are many factors at play when it comes to women and desire including: relationship issues, boredom and discomfort during sex.
Therefore, Flibaserin is meant to treat Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD) which is when a woman’s lack of sexual desire is ongoing and causes her distress; it can’t be directly caused by a non-sexual mental disorder, severe relationship distress (like abuse), other stressors, a drug, or other medical condition.
Meaning, the right candidate is someone who used to have a great libido, but now doesn’t and there’s no explanation as to why. She’s in a loving relationship and her lack of sexual desire is negatively impacting her quality of life.
A chat with your doctor and/or sex therapist can help you decide if Flibaserin is right for you.
Great Sex Tip: According to the North American Menopause Society, FSIAD might be more common in peri-menopausal women than post-menopausal women, but FSIAD can be found among all age groups.
I caught my husband wearing my underwear and it’s completely freaking me out.
Okay. First take a deep breath. Although it is shocking to see a man wearing women’s lingerie, it’s certainly not uncommon.
Your biggest question might be, why would he wear your underwear? Men wear lingerie for the same reason as women: it feels sexy. But because there is a massive stigma most men would rather sneak rather than admit it.
You need to ask yourself: Was it the secrecy, or him actually wearing lingerie that upsets you. I would guess it’s mostly the secrecy.
Unfortunately, 99 percent of the population is conditioned to believe how genders should dress. Accordingly, we believe a man isn’t manly if he wants to wear lacy undies.
Looking at this in another way, a big part of a happy, healthy marriage is your husband not being afraid to be himself. I will go out on a limb and say he got caught on purpose because he didn’t know how else to bring this up to you.
Tell him you love him and want to understand this. If you can reserve judgment and listen you will probably see this is really nothing more than a (pretty harmless) kink.
With time and acceptance—and an open mind—it may eventually become a positive sexual enhancer.
Great Sex Tip: Men’s lingerie is so popular there’s a clothing line of lingerie for men called Homme Mystere.
Dr. Trina Read is the founder of VivaXO.com; a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator; and is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Trina has just launched Sensual Tastes Events, an interactive workshop blending the pleasures of food and sex education. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.
By JOHN D. MOORE, PHD
Hi there – my name is sex addiction. You know me by several other names, including sex addict, behavioral addiction and process addiction. I’m an insidious form of dependency that is often not discussed with anyone because I use shame and guilt to silence you.
If left unchecked, I grow in power – making you take greater and greater risks. I will lie to you, twist your thoughts and ultimately destroy your relationships. I can make you lose your family, your job and even your freedom.
I use emotions like depression to fuel acting out behaviors and will distort your thinking to justify getting what I want. Even though you recognize the negative consequences for your actions, I always win out. You see – I am so much stronger than will power!
Here is what you may not know – I am vulnerable to 7 specific things that weaken my hold. If you engage in any one of these 7 things, you lessen my power. When you combine several of these items together however, I cower in the corner like a scared puppy.
I really should not be sharing this information with you – but I am going to do it anyway.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
7 Things Sex Addiction Doesn’t Want You To Know!
1. Facing fears of intimacy
One of the things that tighten my grip on you is your fear of intimacy. I love it when you repeat unhealthy patterns of attachment and become distant from people in your life. However, when you address your fear of being close to others and take steps that promote personal healing, I shake like a leaf!
2. Healing your wounded self-esteem
When your self-concept is damaged, I will try to bolster your self-esteem by making you act out in an empty attempt at personal validation. This is particularly true if you have body image issues or if you were once sexually abused. Once you are able to identify this pattern of attention seeking and address it through forums like 12-step meetings and talk-therapy, I lose my intensity.
3. Talk-Therapy
When you use sex to “numb up” or emotionally “check-out” it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire – I love it! On the flip-side, I can’t stand it when you stop hiding from your feelings and begin the process of taking inventory. Oh – and when you talk to your therapist about how you use sex as a form of emotional medication, you send me running for the hills! Argh!!!!
4. Recognizing patterns
One of my greatest strengths is my ability to ritualize destructive behaviors. Here, I am talking about things like wasting hours on the Internet looking at imagery or spending money on “services” for hire. When you call me out on my toxic patterns and how they have become deeply woven into your life, it’s like taking a sword and plunging it through my heart. Oh – how I hate that I just told you this!
5. Mindfulness
A natural consequence of recognizing patterns is increasing mindfulness. Obviously, I hate this too because it means you are paying attention to how I have been screwing up your life. When you do things like mediate or bring your awareness on the here and now, I lose massive amounts of power.
6. Support of others
I am at my strongest when you isolate yourself from others and retreat into yourself. This allows me to distort your thoughts and engage in all sorts of psychological mischief. On the other side of the coin, when you start sharing with others who are struggling like you, my power starts to evaporate. Groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous are kryptonite to me!
7. Self-care
When you are acting out and allowing me to be in the driver’s seat, I am at my happiest. But when you make the conscious choice to focus on taking care of yourself with the inclusion of healthy boundaries around different life areas, you make me miserable and weak. Now why the hell did I just tell you this!!?
Final Thoughts
There are boatloads of other things you can do to keep me at bay but I have run my mouth too much already. Yeah baby – I’m not going to give away the store.
Remember this – I am always here – just waiting for you to cope with your feelings in unhealthy ways. I love it when you live in denial because it allows me to flourish.
Oh – and I hate that I just told you that too!
By LINDA HATCH, PHD
young man and wemen at the barFlirting is a normal part of life. Not only is it enjoyable, it is a healthy part of courtship. And yet flirting is problem for a large proportion of the sex addict patients I see, I’m guessing maybe a third or more of them. For some it is the only sexually compulsive behavior that is out in the open. And if they are in a relationship, compulsive flirting often drives their partners up the wall and across the ceiling.
When should you or your partner be concerned that excessive flirtatiousness is the tip of the iceberg? When is excessive flirtatiousness a sign of a secret sexual addiction?
Part of a larger pattern of sexually addictive behavior
When I say that excessive flirting may be part of a larger addictive picture, I do not mean that it necessarily indicates that the person is engaging in affairs, although this could be the case. But if a person has a problem with sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behavior they will usually (although not always) have more than one type of sexual behavior. In other words a person who flirts a lot may also be engaging in cybersex, or frequenting sexual massage parlors or any of a number of other hidden activities.
So what should you look for if you don’t know how big the problem is?
Sexual preoccupation
For one thing, sex addicts are excessively focused on sex. One of the accepted core beliefs of the addict is: “Sex is my most important need”. So the flirting is one area among several in which you may see the addict as viewing the world through sex colored glasses. The addict may exhibit their sexualized world view by:
making off color remarks more than other people
frequently telling sexual jokes even with people he or she doesn’t know that well
frequent scanning for and ogling of sexually attractive people, often combined with
giving a running commentary on people’s looks, their age, their bodies and their sexiness or lack of it.
The extreme focus on sex goes hand in hand with the sexual objectification of people. If the person has a sexual addiction they will very likely see people in terms of sex to the exclusion of other factors. People are then not really people in the fullest sense (are they happy? Sad? Studious? Kindly? Struggling? Instead they are seen as objects of sexual utility. If the sex addict attributes any inner life to the person they are looking at it will usually be some fantasy or projection about that person’s sexuality.
This doesn’t mean that addicts want to have sex with every attractive person they see, but it does imply that they can go off into a sexual fantasy or store an image into a database in their mind for later use in fantasy.
Compulsiveness
Sex addicts by definition cannot control their problematic sexual behavior. A person who is not an addict may just be an outgoing, charming, playful person. But if their partner feels threatened and asks them to tone it down they will be able to do so. Addicts, on the other hand, will be more likely to guilt trip their partner and defend their right to flirt, or try to re-frame it as something that is not really sexual.
If the person agrees to rein in their flirting and doesn’t seem able to do so they could have a problem. Or if the person does stop flirting an addictive person may find other ways to subtly put out sexual signals, such as pointedly staring or making ambiguous remarks that could be taken as suggestive. See also my post on predatory flirting and ogling.
Self-objectification and negative self-concept
Sex addicts who flirt a lot are often indiscriminately seductive. Although this can be a sign of problematic sexual behavior, it does not necessarily mean that the addict has any intention of trying to have sex with the person toward whom they are being seductive.
Many sex addict patients are flirtatious and seductive across the board with almost anyone; a colleague, the checker in the market, the nurse, even their therapist. This can mean that the addict is scanning his/her environment for sexual possibility, but it can also mean that the addict tends to objectify him/herself.
Somewhere along the line most addicts have acquired the belief that they are unworthy, and some have come to feel that the only reason anyone could possibly want to associate with them is sexual attraction. Therefore these addicts express their insecurity by needing to be sexually interesting to everyone they associate with.
Excessive flirting, ogling and seductiveness can be signs that there are other sexually addictive behaviors or they can be sexual addictions/compulsions of a sort in their own right. It will not always be possible to get to the bottom of the issue without a full assessment by a professional. This only underscores the fact that what is an addiction or a problem is very often self-identified in terms of the amount of distress or destructiveness experienced by addicts and those around them.
By Laura Berman, PhD
Have you ever wondered if you and your partner have enough sex?
If so, you are not alone. Most couples think “Is our sex life normal?” at some point in their relationships, and it’s easy to feel like you might not be sexually active enough, especially when it seems like everyone around you is having sex all the time. Between the media and boasting friends, you might find yourself worrying about the action (or lack thereof) going on in your bedroom.
Here’s the good news. When it comes to sexual frequency, it doesn’t matter what is going on in other people’s bedrooms. It only matters that you and your partner each feel as though you are committed to satisfying one another’s desires.
A new study led by the University of Toronto has found that the key to sexual fulfillment lies not in a magic number, but in what researchers call “sexual communal strength.” Sexual communal strength occurs when couples prioritize one another’s sexual needs, even when it might at times conflict with their own energy level or desire. The researchers found that when people are motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs, their own libido responds positively as a result. And, those partners are likely to have their sexual needs met in the end as well.
Think of it as teamwork in the bedroom. Instead of working to get your own needs met and thinking exclusively of your own desires and feelings, you consider your partner’s side of things as well as what is good for the “team” as a whole (i.e. your relationship). The benefits of doing so are two-fold. Not only does it ensure that your partner is satisfied and connected to you, but it also makes you feel desirable and attractive. It keeps in touch with your sexual side and it helps to maintain everything from healthy circulation to sexual response to fantasies.
Most importantly, it helps you to remember the importance of sex in a long-term relationship. A great sex life isn’t just about meeting a certain number of orgasms per week. It’s about connecting with your partner in a physical and emotional way, as well as about fulfilling each other’s desires and prioritizing each other’s needs.
Of course, this doesn’t meant that you should have sex when you really don’t want to or that you should engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable. However, the study does suggest a new way to think about sex. Instead of thinking “What can I get out of this?” or “Do I really want to have sex right now?” you might think, “What can I give my partner? How important is sex to him right now?” You could end up discovering that you are in the mood if you stay in the moment instead of casting sex off the table right away. I call this the “just do it” mentality, meaning that if you let your body and your mind stay open to the idea of sex, you will often find that you have much more sexual energy and desire than you actually realized.
At the end of the day, the right amount of sex is the amount that keeps both you and your partner happy. You might not always have the exact same number in your head, whether he wants more or you want less, or vice versa. But if you are motivated to fulfill each other’s needs and are a team player in the bedroom, you might find that you both end up getting what you want.
by Stanley Siegel, LCSW
Scientists agree that frequent sex can improve heart health, build a more robust immune system, and increase the ability to ward off pain. Sex changes brain and body chemistry, boosting certain hormone levels that keep us young and vibrant. Sex can also alter our mental state by releasing endorphins that act as antidotes to stress, anxiety, and depression.
But among the greatest miracles of sex is its most secret – its capacity to help us work through deep-seated emotional conflicts and satisfy unmet childhood needs.
The human body is designed to heal itself. We have an immune system that protects us from disease and repairs us when we are damaged. Pain acts as an alarm, alerting us to the problem. In response, all of the body’s systems, including the mind, are called into action to aid in the process of self-recovery. Similarly, when we encounter emotional conflict, we also experience pain. The mind mobilizes its own defense to assist in repairing the emotional wound in the same way we release an army of antibodies to heal a cut finger. Whether it’s physical or psychological, we are hard-wired to lessen pain, helped by innate mechanisms.
Among the mind’s most inventive weapons in the battle for emotional recovery are our fantasies. We create them to counteract anxiety or pain, substituting pleasure where conflict exists.
As children we use imaginative play to help us gain mastery of challenging events. We try out roles as sports stars, princesses, police officers, and superheroes, enabling ourselves to feel powerful in a world in which grown-ups are in charge. In play, we find comfort often returning to the same games or stories again and again because their familiarity provides a zone in which we feel safe and increasingly competent. This same mechanism will apply later in adulthood when “playtime” occurs in the bedroom.
As we grow out of childhood and societal expectations and norms gradually restrict our imagination and behavior, we begin to apply lessons learned toward navigating the harsher realities of adult life. Yet, fantasies remain an essential part of helping us cope with life’s myriad conflicts. Now we imagine being billionaires or CEO’s or celebrities, rewarded with power or fame for our accomplishments, or we fantasize writing the great American novel or producing a film, becoming the pillars of our community, or simply winning the lottery. We have learned to convert painful feelings of disappointment, helplessness, failure, or loss into manageable and sometimes even pleasurable ones.
Just as fantasies of great wealth or status serve to help us feel less powerless in an ordinary lives, sexual fantasies are the minds way of helping us gain mastery of unresolved conflicts or unmet needs. They are not simple random imaginings as we are led to believe. At their base lies fragments of our history, that reach far back into the forgotten past. By the time we leave adolescence, most of us have eroticized some aspect of unmeet needs from our childhoods, encoding them in our sexual fantasies. These encoded sexual fantasies, which continue throughout our adult lives, transform the pain associated with old wounds into sexual pleasure.
As a society, we have yet to appreciate the healing nature of sex. Instead we have a complicated relationship with sex, simultaneously promoting sexual images in popular culture – movies, television, and advertising – while demonizing those of us who enjoy it, especially women, with labels like “whore,” “slut,” and “player.” As a consequence, many of us internalize these confusing or unrealistic messages, so by the time we reach adulthood, we have no idea of what sex actually means to us. We suppress or erase our sexual desires and fantasies from our experience, if not from our consciousness altogether, creating a condition of alienation and inauthenticity – a disconnection between who we really are and how we behave. We enter a process of disengaging our minds from our bodies and souls, which often lasts a lifetime.
But if we learn to identify our sexual fantasies and true desires, where they come from and what they mean, we can unleash their full healing power. Embracing our sexual truth reverses the corrosive influences of guilt and shame, and enhances the sense of self-worth and wholeness that is essential to leading a fulfilling life. It allows us to reclaim abandoned parts of ourselves and integrate them into our being, also crucial to health. And equally important, our true desires can also became a diving rod that leads to choosing partners with whom we can build a respectful, honest and trusting relationship, whether it is for a single night or a lifetime.
By following the steps of Intelligent Lust we embark on a journey of self discovery in which we uncover our true desires and then use those secrets to create powerful change.
STEP ONE: Getting in the Right Frame of Mind
Like any traveler, we must prepare. Following the steps of intelligent lust requires having the right attitude. We must be willing to open our mind to our deepest thoughts and to get past social taboos and psychological prohibitions that cause us to limit our sexual experience. It will help us put aside what you have been told is “normal” and discover what our real sexuality is beyond the prescribed conventions we may feel compelled to follow.
We can begin by creating the time and space for quiet contemplation. Chose a private space free of distractions to navigate the exercises to follow. A neutral place, absent of personal history, prevents contaminating the experience with negative associations or memories – a garden, park bench, beach, backyard deck, front porch, or even the back seat of a car – to navigate the exercises. Designate it as a place to return to. Keep a notebook or diary handy to record your experience.
Trust Your True Desires
Have faith in the healing power of your desires. Keep this mantra in mind. Our fantasies are antidotes that have meaning and purpose. Whether it’s a wish to be dominated, or to be tenderly made love to, our sexual fantasies convert painful, confusing, or unresolved feelings from the past into manageable and pleasurable ones in the present. We use them to transform helplessness into power, loneliness into emotional attachment, inadequacy into competence, weakness into strength. If properly understood, we can use them to find energy and direction to reconcile old conflicts and satisfy unfulfilled needs. Honor them as you would a friend.
Give Yourself Permission to Explore
Even experts vary on what a definition of healthy or normal sex should be. Why should we then accept someone else’s ideas about sex before we identify and understand our own desires and ideals? Instead, we should dig deep into our souls and psyches and examine what we truly feel about sex even at the risk of feeling disloyal to our families or churches. Following the steps of intelligent lust requires giving ourselves permission to be different.
Be Compassionate Toward Yourself
Suspend all self-judgments, tone down the moralism, draw from our reservoir of compassion, and direct it toward ourselves. Life is full of contradictions and paradoxes, which, with maturity, we learn to accept. To become whole we must fully embrace and integrate all parts of ourselves and our desires, however contradictory, dark, or difficult they may appear.
Confront the Consequences of Change
Choose to act courageously, acknowledge the discomfort that comes with change, and still move forward. By confronting our fears, we have the potential to not only discover the many truths about ourselves, our relationships, and partners, but also a passion for life itself.
Commit to Maintaining Openness and Self-Acceptance
Following the steps of intelligent lust requires a commitment to maintain openness, honesty, and acceptance regardless of the outcome while we sort through what we really feel, think, and believe in relation to sex. There are often vagaries to our thoughts at first. It may take time for them to solidify and for us to feel certain and secure with what we believe is true.
Accept and Honor Your True Desires
Our fantasies and desires remain relatively constant throughout our lives because the unmet needs from which they originate often goes unsatisfied or the underlying conflicts remains unresolved. Many women focus their sexual attention on the desires of their partners and simply don’t know or place value on their own.
By accepting and honoring our true desires, we take responsibility for their gratification and create the opportunity for them to truly serve their healing purpose.
Check back for STEP TWO: Identifying Your Sexual Fantasies.
Stanley Siegel, Intelligent Lust
BY PEGGY DREXLER
Studies say that almost half of kids between ages 10 and 17 are consuming porn online—and close to a third of teens are sending their own nude photos. Peggy Drexler on how the porn culture could be affecting the next generation’s attitudes towards sex.
There is a scene in HBO’s Girls, where Hannah’s boyfriend has anal sex with her in what may be the un-sexiest sex scene ever presented on television: he is brutal and uncaring; she is passive and unenthusiastic. Interpret it how you will—an affront to all we hold dear; character development; or simply shock value for audiences that are increasingly hard to shock.
But at the core, it’s another example of the rampant dehumanization of sex, where the physical and the emotional seem to be going their separate ways without so much as a backward glance.
I blame porn. I’m not an anti-porn crusader by any means. In terms of the likelihood of change, you might as well be anti-cell phone. Still, the scene—where he didn’t seem to notice her head banging against the bedpost and she didn’t seem to care—is both an example and a reflection of how thoroughly sex for the sake of sex has saturated America’s culture.
As we adjust to this infinite swamp of pornographic availability, three questions emerge. How much porn are kids watching? How is it impacting how they see the connection between sex and emotion? And what—if anything—do parents do about it? How much they’re watching starts with how much is there to watch.
First, videos and DVDs brought porn into the home. Now comes the Internet, and porn is everywhere. As widely reported, a University of Montreal study concluded 90 percent of all pornography now comes from the Web. Just 10 percent comes from video stores. The technology blog Gizmodo puts the number of pornographic web sites at 24.6 million, roughly 12 percent of total web sites. As for breadth of content, a few quick search terms can take you—often by accident—directly to a site that proclaims itself “the largest bestiality site” on the Web. You might want to be there when your child searches: “My Little Pony.”
How much are kids consuming? Study results vary widely, and none are lock-down credible. The University of Montreal study reports that boys seek out pornography by age 10. A University of New Hampshire survey of Internet users ages 10 to 17 published in Pediatrics found that 42 percent said they had viewed online porn in the past 12 months—and 66 of those said the exposure was unwanted.
A significant number of teens report getting into producing porn themselves. A University of Texas Medical Branch study of students in southeast Texas found that 30 percent of U.S. teenagers are sending nude photos over e-mail or texts.
The University of Montreal study reports that boys seek out pornography by age 10.
Two facts are beyond debate. Porn is omnipresent, and kids are encountering it. Much less clear is what to do about it. Regardless of the most determined parental filtering and blocking, kids at the peak of their sexual curiosity will find their way to it. What happens once they arrive, however, is an open question. Predictions tend to vary with agendas.
For boys (the prime consumer), it may poison attitudes toward women, create confidence-sapping comparisons of dimensions and performance, crowd out actual relationships—even carve out new neural pathways. Or it may do nothing at all. Boomers, after all, managed to survive Playboy, Hustler, X-ratings, strip clubs and all the ensuing and incremental media sexual firsts with their sexuality generally undamaged.
Still, we’ve never experienced push-button porn serving up genres from routine to revolting.
In the absence of credible, long-term research, we simply don’t know where the age of insta-porn is taking us. One thing is certain, however: parents are not behind the wheel. From adolescence on, blocking and filtering are simply denial. When biological urgency meets technological capability, the only weapon is to construct a frame of reference; a way to process things past generations have never seen.
How families approach that is an individual decision. But there is a fundamental and consistent message: porn is not sex. It’s a commercial depiction of sex that has nothing to do with real (non-digital) human relationships.
The sexual revolution is now some five decades along. One thing we know about revolutions—sexual or otherwise—is that they don’t go backwards. Porn is here to stay. (Google Glass wearable computer won’t be out until 2014, and there is already a porn app.) Nothing will diminish its presence or its access. But with an open attitude and a real-world perspective, we can help young people understand it for what it is.
Sep. 21, 2013 — A recently published study strongly suggests men succumb to sexual temptations more than women — for example, cheating on a partner — because they experience strong sexual impulses, not because they have weak self-control.
Previous research has shown that men are more likely than women to pursue romantic partners that are “off limits.” However, until now, the explanation for this sex difference was largely unexplored.
One possible explanation for this effect is that men experience stronger sexual impulses than women do. A second possibility is that women have better self-control than men. The current study’s results support the former explanation and provide new insight into humans’ evolutionary origins.
“Overall, these studies suggest that men are more likely to give in to sexual temptations because they tend to have stronger sexual impulse strength than women do,” says Natasha Tidwell, a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at Texas A&M University, who authored the study. Paul Eastwick, assistant professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences at The University of Texas at Austin, co-authored the study.
“But when people exercise self-control in a given situation, this sex difference in behavior is greatly reduced. It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively — for both men and women,” Tidwell said.
Recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the study was composed of two separate experiments: the first, to determine how the sexes reacted to real-life sexual temptations in their past and, the second, to pick apart sexual impulses and self-control using a rapid-fire reaction time task.
In order to test their first hypothesis, researchers recruited 218 (70 male, 148 female) study participants from the United States.
Participants were first asked to recall and describe an attraction to an unavailable or incompatible member of the opposite sex. They then answered survey questions designed to measure strength of sexual impulse, attempts to intentionally control the sexual impulse, and resultant behaviors.
“When men reflected on their past sexual behavior, they reported experiencing relatively stronger impulses and acting on those impulses more than women did,” says Tidwell.
However, men and women did not differ in the extent to which they exerted self-control.
“When men and women said they actually did exert self-control in sexual situations, impulse strength didn’t predict how much either sex would actually engage in ‘off-limits’ sex,” added Tidwell.
“Men have plenty of self-control — just as much as women,” says Eastwick. “However, if men fail to use self-control, their sexual impulses can be quite strong. This is often the situation when cheating occurs.”
In order to measure the strength of sexual impulse relative to the strength of impulse control, the researchers recruited 600 undergraduate students (326 men, 274 women) to participate in a “Partner Selection Game.”
Participants were very briefly shown images of opposite-sex individuals; the images were tagged either “good for you” or “bad for you.” Participants were asked to accept or reject potential partners based on the computer-generated “good for you” or “bad for you” prompt. While they were shown photographs of both desirable and undesirable individuals, participants were instructed to make acceptance and rejection choices based on the computer-generated tags. In some trials, participants were asked to accept desirable and reject undesirable individuals; in other trials, participants were asked to go against their inclinations by rejecting desirable individuals and accepting undesirable individuals.
Men experienced a much stronger impulse to “accept” the desirable rather than the undesirable partners, and this impulse partially explained why men performed worse on the task than women did. However, this same procedure estimates people’s ability to exert control over their responses, and men did not demonstrate a poorer ability to control their responses relative to women.
By JANICE WOOD Associate News Editor
New research suggests men succumb to sexual temptations more than women — for example, cheating on a partner — because they experience stronger sexual impulses, not because they have weaker self-control.
Recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the study was composed of two experiments. The first was designed to determine how the different sexes reacted to real-life sexual temptations in their past, while the second was designed to pick apart sexual impulses and self-control using a rapid-fire reaction time task.
“Overall, these studies suggest that men are more likely to give in to sexual temptations because they tend to have stronger sexual impulse strength than women do,” said Natasha Tidwell, a doctoral student in the Department of Psychology at Texas A&M University, who co-authored the study.
“But when people exercise self-control in a given situation, this sex difference in behavior is greatly reduced. It makes sense that self-control, which has relatively recent evolutionary origins compared to sexual impulses, would work similarly — and as effectively — for both men and women.”
For the first experiment, researchers recruited 70 male and 148 female participants from the United States.
The participants were asked to describe an attraction to an unavailable or incompatible member of the opposite sex. They then answered survey questions designed to measure strength of sexual impulse, attempts to intentionally control the sexual impulse, and resulting behaviors.
“When men reflected on their past sexual behavior, they reported experiencing relatively stronger impulses and acting on those impulses more than women did,” Tidwell said.
However, men and women did not differ in the extent to which they exerted self-control, she noted.
“When men and women said they actually did exert self-control in sexual situations, impulse strength didn’t predict how much either sex would actually engage in ‘off-limits’ sex,” added Tidwell.
“Men have plenty of self-control — just as much as women,” add co-author Paul Eastwick, Ph.D., an assistant professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences at The University of Texas at Austin. “However, if men fail to use self-control, their sexual impulses can be quite strong. This is often the situation when cheating occurs.”
For the second experiment, designed to measure the strength of sexual impulse relative to the strength of impulse control, the researchers recruited 600 undergraduate students — 326 men, 274 women — to participate in a “Partner Selection Game.”
Participants were very briefly shown images of opposite-sex individuals; the images were tagged either “good for you” or “bad for you.” Participants were asked to accept or reject potential partners based on the computer-generated “good for you” or “bad for you” prompt.
While they were shown photographs of both desirable and undesirable individuals, participants were instructed to make acceptance and rejection choices based on the computer-generated tags.
In some trials, participants were asked to accept desirable and reject undesirable individuals; in other trials, participants were asked to go against their inclinations by rejecting desirable individuals and accepting undesirable individuals.
Men experienced a much stronger impulse to “accept” the desirable rather than the undesirable partners, and this impulse partially explained why men performed worse on the task than women, according to the researchers.
However, this same procedure estimates people’s ability to exert control over their responses, and men did not demonstrate a poorer ability to control their responses relative to women, the researchers noted.
Source: The University of Texas at Austin
Dr. Peggy Drexler
The new film Lovelace recounts the days when viewing porn meant looking both ways before slinking into a dark and dubious establishment. These days, of course, there are no dark rooms required. A widely-reported University of Montreal study concluded 90 percent of all pornography comes from the web; boys, the study reports, seek out porn by age 10. And as for breadth of content, a few quick search terms can direct you – often unintentionally — to a hardcore porn site that proclaims itself “the largest bestiality” source online. You might want to be there when your child searches: “My Little Pony.”
While usage numbers vary, it’s clear that the supply of porn is bountiful, and much of it is free. Predicted consequences, however, tend to depend on agenda. For boys (still the prime consumer), porn use may poison attitudes toward women, create confidence-sapping comparisons of dimensions and performance, crowd out actual relationships and even carve new neural pathways. Seen often enough, the unusual or bizarre can seem usual, setting up new expectations for both genders. Recall an early episode of HBO’s Girls in which Hannah passively allows herself to be flipped over while her partner performs anal sex until he’s satisfied. Boys see rougher, less mutually agreeable sex through porn and act it out in real life. Girls acquiesce.
Is it any surprise? Excessive violence in films and on TV has been joined by excessive sex, much of it acted out according to porn-established norms: The girl dresses up like a porn star; the boy ejaculates immediately. Even Disney films contain veiled references and insinuations, never mind what they’re seeing on cable TV. Even if much of this is artistic commentary, without discussion, kids begin to believe this is how sex really works. As for porn, blocking and filtering are simply denial. Kids are naturally sexually curious, and will find their way to it. Parents should know how to respond before the questions are even asked.
Questions like: What is porn? Is it the Victoria’s Secret catalog? Am I ‘bad’ if I like looking at porn? What does ‘normal’ sex look like? For parents, the job is to keep the answers frank and honest. And frequent. Say that porn is part of sexuality, but it doesn’t define it. It’s a commercial enterprise that makes money by taking a natural and beautiful part of being human to the extreme, saturating it with lurid excess. Watch it if you want to, but remember: What you see has nothing to do with who you are, or how you’ll interact with a partner in real life. Teenagers in particular have a need to understand what is real and what is made for entertainment. Help them figure it out — which includes watching it yourself to find out what, exactly, they’re seeing. (Chances are you’ll be surprised.) Break down scenes and relay truths: No, stamina is not a measure of manhood; yes, both partners should experience pleasure from the act. Let kids of all ages know that porn is not a taboo topic; that they can, and should, ask you about anything they might have seen, or think they want to see. Then direct the conversation to their feelings — how did you feel about what you saw? — and assure them that all feelings are normal.
And if kids don’t have questions, or seem too shy to ask, it’s the parents’ job to both start and continue the dialogue. Silence doesn’t mean lack of curiosity. Let them know that sexuality is complicated, and that people often have complicated feelings about it that may take years to understand. Keep in mind that girls are just as curious as boys, so don’t leave daughters out of the conversation. And most of all, don’t freak out when you walk in on them watching. Their interest is normal, and they shouldn’t be made to feel otherwise. Remember that the way to live with porn is to help kids put it in perspective and to develop a critical eye towards what they’re seeing.
By Linda Hatch, PhD
Some people can look at internet pornography now and then and not become porn addicts. Others get hooked on porn very quickly and spend hours online, often jeopardizing their work, neglecting their families and wrecking their relationships.
Why are some people more at risk for internet porn addiction?
We look immediately for childhood trauma but there may be other contributing mental health issues which can be treated in order to reduce the risks and optimize the result.
ADHD and hyperfocus
There is enough research to strongly suggest that adults with ADHD are at much higher risk for addiction in general, including sex addiction. (See also my blog on ADHD and sex addiction.)
Being glued to the computer screen for hours on end looking at pornography can be seen in adults with ADHD as a symptom of that disorder, namely hyperfocus (or more properly perseveration) which is a form of rigid attention. The ADHD adult is more likely to be a porn addict because he cannot tear himself away from the pornography, meaning he cannot shift his attention away from one thing and onto another as easily as someone else.
ADHD testing involves evaluating 4 main factors or dimensions of attention.
•Inattentiveness
•Distractibility
•Problems Splitting Attention
•Problems Shifting Attention
The last of these, the ability to shift your attention from one thing to another as needed, is the factor that most obviously relates to the fixation that ADHD folks can have on internet porn.
Autism Spectrum” Disorder and hyperfocus
Dr. Russell Barkley has argued that what we call the ADHD “hyperfocus,” should really be called “perseveration” a symptom of the frontal lobe issues in ADHD.
He argues that “hyperfocus” is a term that more appropriately relates to autism spectrum disorders, where the person has a problem connecting different areas of the brain. The two terms seem to be used popularly to describe similar behavior of disappearing into the stimulus or activity.
However the reference to autism intrigued me because I have noticed that some sex addicts who have great difficulty staying abstinent form internet pornography also seem to have some symptoms of high functioning autism or Asperger’s Disorder. They have trouble with social relating, trouble understanding social/emotional cues, are obsessive and may have special talents.
The hyperfocus of the mildly autistic or Asperger’s Disorder person (as well as their social disconnect) would tend to place that person at risk for getting drawn into a compelling activity like porn viewing and would make it harder for them to abstain.
Posttraumatic Stress and Dissociation
Dissociation is a symptom of PTSD, a “zoning out” that can be mild or very severe. It is likely that posttraumatic stress and its resulting dissociative symptoms would add to the risk for internet pornography addiction.
Research suggests that it is not only the adult with a history of childhood trauma but also the veteran with service related stress or anyone with acute or chronic stress could have a greater risk for dissociation and addiction in general, including a fixation on internet porn.
To complicate matters, there is research that found prior ADHD leads to greater vulnerability to PTSD in veterans.
Trauma and ADHD seem to be intertwined and create a chicken-egg issue for further research. But regardless, both PTSD and ADHD separately or together create the risk for attentional issues related to porn addiction.
Evaluate and treat attention issues for a better outcome
Anyone with pornography addiction should be fully assessed for co-occurring psychological issues. ADHD, trauma and high functioning autism can stand in the way of progress. If they are identified and treated the outcome looks much brighter.
By Michael Herkov, Ph.D
Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.
For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.
Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts.
About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts. For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them.
Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses.
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help.
The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.
Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.
Explore More About Sexual Addiction
What is Sexual Addiction?
What Causes Sexual Addiction?
Symptoms of Sexual Addiction
Symptoms of Hypersexual Disorder
Am I Addicted to Sex? Quiz
If You Think You Have a Problem with Sexual Addiction
Treatment for Sexual Addiction
Understanding More About Sexual Addiction
Mark S. Gold, M.D., and Drew W. Edwards, M.S. contributed to this article.
Is It Normal to Masturbate When You’re Married?
By Michael Ashworth, Ph.D.
There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for masturbating even though you are married. Most men and women do indeed continue to masturbate when they are in a relationship, and it does not mean that there is anything wrong. In fact, research shows that those people who masturbate more also have more (and more satisfying) sex.
People have sex, as well as masturbate, for all sorts of reasons. Often men and women feel like having an orgasm or pleasuring themselves as a quick stress reliever, as a “pick-me-up”, or just because they are very aroused but don’t want to go through the whole process of sex.
Masturbating is also a great way to learn about your own body, which invariably makes for better sex with a partner. Men can use masturbation as a way to learn how to control their orgasms, while women can learn how to have orgasms more easily.
Sometimes people feel that if everything was perfect in a sexual relationship, then neither partner would “need” to masturbate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Simply put, good sex begets more good sex — in all its forms. In fact, many couples masturbate together and find it a very enjoyable part of their relationship. Honestly, there is no need to feel guilty. Listen to the good doctor: Masturbation is good for you!
By Dennis Thompson Jr.
Medically reviewed by Christine Wilmsen Craig, MD
Depression drains the color out of life’s pleasures, robs enthusiasm, and makes everything feel bland and flat — including your sex life. About 35 to 47 percent of people dealing with depression find the mood disorder interferes with their sexuality. That percentage jumps even higher based on the intensity of the condition — more than 60 percent of patients with severe depression report sexual problems.
Why Sex and Depression Don’t Mix
The old adage about how the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body is a truer statement than you might realize. The brain controls sexual drive, arousal, and sexual function through the release of hormones and nerve impulses.
Depression stems from a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance can cause interference with a person’s ability to enjoy sex or perform sexually. Depression has been linked to:
A decrease in libido. A study of depressed patients showed that more than two-thirds of respondents reported a loss of interest in sex. The decrease in their libido grew worse as their depression grew more severe.
Erectile dysfunction. Depression and anxiety are leading psychological factors interfering in a man’s ability to have and sustain an erection.
Inability to enjoy sex. Depression can limit or eliminate the pleasure normally drawn from sex, says David MacIsaac, PhD, a licensed psychologist in New York and New Jersey and a faculty member of the New York Institute for Psychoanalytic Self Psychology. Depressed men, he says, “feel disconnected from any sexual experience. It’s a dehumanization kind of situation.”
Another adage holds that the cure can be worse than the disease, and this too can be true when it comes to depression and sexuality. Antidepressants are part of the first-line treatment of the mood disorder, but one of their chief side effects can be sexual dysfunction. Decrease in libido is most often reported, but patients also have found that antidepressants can cause erectile dysfunction and inhibit sexual pleasure. Some people taking antidepressants also report a loss of sexual desire or trouble reaching orgasm.
Reconnecting With Your Sexuality
The best way to eliminate sexual problems associated with depression is to treat and cure the illness. As patients begin to feel better about themselves, they begin to see their lives improving in all sorts of way, including their love lives, MacIsaac says.
While receiving treatment, you can better cope with your sex problems if you discuss your depression and its effect on your sexuality with your doctor and your partner. It can be very difficult to open up about these sorts of problems, but if your partner understands that the issue lies with an illness and not the relationship, he may be better able to support you through treatment.
If the antidepressant you take is interfering with your sexuality, your doctor can switch your prescription to another drug. There are many antidepressants on the market now, and each has different effects on different people. You and your doctor can work together to find the right treatment for your depression with the least impact on your love life.
By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
As an addiction and sexual disorders specialist, I often write about sexual addiction. As most readers are “psychologically minded” in venues like this one, I typically assume that you already understand what that term means and does not mean. Nevertheless, it seems like a good idea to at least occasionally state what sexual addiction – aka, sexual compulsion, hypersexuality, hypersexual disorder, etc. – means to those of us who treat it. To that end I have provided below a brief overview of what sexual addiction is and is not.
Sexual Addiction: The Disorder
The criteria for sexual addiction are similar to the criteria for any other addiction. Addicts of all types (substance and behavioral) experience:
Ongoing obsession/preoccupation with their drug/behavior of choice
Loss of control over use
Directly related negative life consequences
Diagnosing a chemical addiction is usually fairly straightforward – an individual is hooked on drugs, alcohol, or some other substance and can’t seem to quit, even though he or she is experiencing, as a result, relationship issues, trouble at work or in school, declining physical and emotional health, financial turmoil, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, legal issues, and/or other negative life consequences.
Diagnosing process addictions (behavioral addictions) can be more difficult, especially when the activity in question is a natural and even necessary part of life, as is the case with things like food and sex. Sometimes it helps to look at why an individual is engaging in compulsive sex (or eating, gambling, shopping, etc.) If the person is compulsively abusing sex (or any other potentially pleasurable behavior) as a way of self-soothing and/or dissociating from intolerable emotions and/or underlying psychological conditions such as early trauma, attachment deficits, social deficits, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, that is usually an indicator of potential addiction. Short of that, the behavior may be compulsive and causing problems but not equate to addiction.
Unfortunately, the powers behind the DSM-5 chose to not include sexual addiction as an official diagnosis, making it much harder for many therapists to identify and treat this very real issue. For now, clinicians who rely on the DSM can utilize the “impulse control disorders not elsewhere classified” diagnosis when dealing with sexual compulsivity.
Misdiagnosis
Unfortunately, some people use the term “sex addiction” to define virtually any type of sexual behavior that doesn’t meet their values (religious, relationship, cultural).
He’s had two affairs in the past few years so he must be a sex addict.
In our church you can be excommunicated for looking at porn. I hear that he looked at porn at least half a dozen times, so he must be a sex addict. Why else would he take risks like that?
Other individuals toss around “sexual addiction” as a catch-all excuse for virtually any type of sexual misconduct. In other words, some people who get caught red-handed engaging in inappropriate, problematic, possibly even illegal sexual behavior will blame their actions on an addiction, hoping to avoid or minimize the judgment and/or punishment they experience. Occasionally these individuals really are sex addicts, but just as often they are not. Either way, a diagnosis of sexual addiction is never intended to justify bad behavior or to let people “off the hook” for what they’ve done.
Unfortunately, it’s not just layperson-generated “diagnoses” that are a problem. Plenty of well-meaning but under-informed therapists are willing to label all sorts of things as sexual addiction. Frankly, the mental health profession provides minimal training in terms of what constitutes healthy (and unhealthy) human sexual behavior. Because of this, some therapists mistakenly believe that any form of sex/gender driven dysphoria equates to sexual addiction. This is simply not the case. The fact that an individual feels bad about his or her sexualized thoughts, feelings, desires, or actions does not mean that he or she is a sex addict. That individual might be a sex addict, but only if the above-stated criteria (obsession, loss of control, and negative consequences) are met.
Rule Outs…
Sexual Orientation ≠ Sex Addiction
Neither homosexual nor bisexual arousal patterns are factors in the diagnosis of sexual addiction, even if those arousal patterns are ego-dystonic. Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual does not make you a sex addict any more than being straight makes you a sex addict. Sometimes self-loathing homosexuals or bisexuals will seek out sex addiction treatment, hoping it will change their unwanted sexual orientation. Occasionally they do this at the behest of a misguided clinician. However, changing one’s arousal template is not possible. If you’re attracted to men, that’s the way it is; if you’re attracted to women, same story; and if you like both genders, you’d better get used to it, because that’s not going change no matter how much analysis you have or how many 12-step meetings you attend. In other words, sexual addiction is not in any way defined by who it is that turns you on.
Concurrent Drug Use ≠ Sex Addiction
Sometime drug addicts, especially those who abuse cocaine, methamphetamine, GHB, and other stimulant/party drugs, can become hypersexual while high – especially if they add Viagra or other erection enhancing drugs to the mix. This does not, however, make these people sex addicts. If the sexual compulsivity only occurs with drug use, a diagnosis of sexual addiction is not appropriate. However, sexual activity must be identified as a trigger for drug relapse in individuals for whom drug use and sexual activity are co-occurring behaviors.
Fetishes and/or Paraphilias ≠ Sex Addiction
Fetishes and paraphilias are recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving nonhuman objects, specific body parts, the suffering of oneself or one’s sexual partner, or non-consenting sex (in appearance or actuality). Fetishes and paraphilias may cause a person to keep sexual secrets, to feel shame or distress, and even to feel out of control, but they are not indicators of sexual addiction. In fact, they are only considered pathologic when: 1) they become obligatory for sexual functioning; 2) they involve inappropriate partners (meaning minors or unwilling participants); or 3) they cause significant distress and/or impairment of social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. And even when a fetish or paraphilia does qualify as pathologic, it is not considered sexual addiction, per se.
Mania, OCD, Adult ADD ≠ Sex Addiction
In order for the diagnosis of sexual addiction to be made, professionals must first rule out any number of major mental health disorders that sometimes include hypersexuality or impulsive sexual behavior as a primary symptom. Some of these include the active stages of bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and adult attention deficit disorder. The problem here is one of differential diagnosis. Not everyone who is impulsively or compulsively sexual has a problem driven by sex addiction, as hypersexual and impulsive sexual behaviors are legitimate symptoms of many other disorders.
Sexual Offending ≠ Sex Addiction
An unknown percentage of sexual offenders do sexually act out in a compulsive/addictive manner, but not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Usually sexually addicted sex offenders start out by engaging in non-offending behaviors (porn, casual/anonymous sex, serial affairs, etc.), but over time their sexual acting out escalates into offending. That said, sexual offending is not, per se, indicative of sexual addiction (or vice versa). The criteria for sexual addiction need to be very strictly applied when dealing with sexual offenders, as these individuals are the group most likely to self-identify as sex addicts in an attempt to avoid judgment and punishment for their problematic sexual behaviors. (As mentioned above, the diagnosis of sexual addiction is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior. Sex addicts are ALWAYS responsible for the hurt and pain they have caused.)
Why We Need to Get it Right…
Sadly, some mental health professionals choose to inappropriately incorporate the label of “sex addict” into treatment. This sometimes occurs through ignorance; other times this choice is the result of agendas more focused on moral, cultural, or religious values than clinical ones. These clinicians do a great deal of harm by abusing the term “sex addict.” Their actions have created a great deal of confusion and even acrimony within the treatment community, which makes diagnosing and treating people who truly are sexually addicted all the more difficult. It also has a tendency to send media members on the proverbial “wild goose chase” every time a celebrity, sports hero, or community leader has an affair, gets caught with a prostitute, or acts out in some other sexually inappropriate way. An official DSM Sexual Addiction (or Hypersexual Disorder) diagnosis would certainly help to clarify matters, but that is not coming anytime soon. Thus, it is up to those of use working in the field to help other clinicians learn how to clearly identify (and, equally importantly, not misidentify) people who are struggling with compulsive, addictive, and impulsive sexual disorders, diagnose them properly, and direct them toward useful, accurately planned models of treatment.
Clinicians (and clients) who are interested in learning more basic information about sexual addiction may want to grab a copy of my recently published book, Sex Addiction 101, available in both eBook and paperback formats.
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health. A licensed UCLA MSW graduate and personal trainee of Dr. Patrick Carnes, he founded The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles in 1995. He has also provided clinical multi-addiction training and behavioral health program development for the US military and numerous treatment centers throughout the United States, Europe, and Asia.
Stay close in and out of the bedroom By Jennine Estes, MFT
Intimacy is an all-encompassing word, with sex merely being one aspect of it. Intimacy in your marriage takes more than just spicing up your sex life.
Intimacy is a vital substance in the healthiest of relationships, and its existence allows partners to share their physical and emotional selves with each other, openly and safely.
If you can find it in yourself to be more emotionally intimate in your relationship, both you and your loved one will definitely reap the rewards in the bedroom!
Here are the top ten ways to increase and maintain intimacy in your marriage:
•Compromise when in disagreement. When you and your partner aren’t seeing things eye-to-eye, take it upon yourselves to reach a happy medium that you can both agree on. Ask each other, “What would make us both happy?”
•Do the 30 minute focus. Spend a minimum of 30 minutes per day with your full attention focused on your partner. This could take place at the dinner table, in the family area/living room with the TV off, cuddled together in bed, etc. Eliminate interruptions, such as roommates, friends, and even children, so you can take the undivided time you need to discuss each other’s day and other personal, intimate topics.
•Plan a “date night.” Date nights help kindle romance and intimacy. Plan the evening together or surprise each other, get dressed up for one another, spend time focusing on each other, and laugh together.
•Empathize and validate. Everyone disagrees once in a while, but make sure when you are in disagreement, you show empathy, monitor your tone of voice, and validate your partner by letting them know you don’t think they are “crazy” for how they feel.
•Take mutual interest in one another. Showing interest and curiosity in their day or things that they like not only helps your partner feel important and special, but also motivates them to do the same with you! Imagine how great it feels when they listen intently to what you have to say. Make sure you do the same for them.
•Spend your free time doing things together. Surprise your partner with an activity that the two of you can enjoy together. Try hiking, picnics, board/card games, etc.
•Leave them love notes. Write things you admire about your partner on sticky notes and hide them in places where you know he or she will find them throughout the day.
•Focus on the positive. If you acknowledge and reinforce the things you appreciate about your partner instead of focusing on the negative, you’ll find they will eagerly repeat the desired behavior, instead of feeling dejected from belittlement.
•Show respect. By listening, avoiding critical language and minimizing your anger (intonation and context), you will show your partner that you have the utmost respect for their thoughts and feelings.
•Stop critical language. “You should …” “You must …” “You are too …” “You never …” “You always …” — each of these are examples of how we point our fingers at our partners while telling them they are not right. Give them a chance and let them carry things out the way they’d like to.
Changing the way you interact with your partner outside of the bedroom can make all the difference for how things go inside the bedroom.
By taking time to validate and appreciate your partner, treating them wth respect, and spending quality time together, you are increasing the chances that you’ll feel close and connected. A couple that is emotionally connected will have an easier time feeling physically connected. Intimacy in your marriage is an on-going process, never ignore it!
To learn more about the author, or to book an appointment with her, visit her website at estestherapy.com
By Allison Takeda, Senior Editor
Some 10 percent of tweens and teens have exchanged sexually suggestive photos via phone, the Internet, or other electronic media, according to a new study just published in the journal Pediatrics. But even more — up to 39 percent, according to a survey by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy — have sent or received sexually suggestive messages, such as texts, e-mails, or IMs.
Sexting, the transmission of such messages and images, primarily between cell phones, is an increasing concern among parents — and though the study released today indicates it’s not as widespread a problem as we’d previously feared, such behavior can have serious consequences, not just for your child’s emotional well-being and privacy, but from a legal standpoint as well. If you have teens, you’re likely already on the lookout for red flags. But do you know what those flags are? Many sexually explicit messages aren’t actually that explicit — to parents, anyway. A lot of sexting is done in code, using acronyms and decoy words.
Here are just a few of the many (many!) examples of shorthand that teens and tweens use to sext:
1.53X = sex
2.8 = oral sex
3.Banana = penis
4.CD9 = code 9, parents are around
5.P911 = parent alert
6.CU46 = see you for sex
7.GNOC = get naked on cam
8.GYPO = get your pants off
9.IMEZYRU = I’m easy, are you?
10.IPN = I’m posting naked
11.ITS = intense text sex
12.IWSN = I want sex now
13.J/O = jerking off
14.Kitty = vagina
15.LH6 = let’s have sex
16.LHU = let’s hook up
17.NFS = need for sex
18.PRON = porn
19.TDTM = talk dirty to me
20.RUH = are you horny?
If you spot any of these messages on your child’s phone, don’t just get angry and take away his or her text privileges. Talk with your teen about why and with whom they’re exchanging such messages, and discuss the potential consequences of their actions. Then make a plan to check in with your child about his or her text habits in the future. You may also want to consider monitoring cell phone and computer use for further inappropriate behavior, and contacting the parents of the other child involved.
Read on about the dangers of sexting from Everyday Health’s medical director, Mallika Marshall, MD.
Sexual Addiction Is…
Sexual addiction is a dysfunctional preoccupation (meaning this specific preoccupation negatively affects their work, relationship, family, legal, health, and social situations) with sexual fantasy and behavior, often involving the obsessive and repetitive pursuit of non-intimate sexuality, pornography, compulsive masturbation, romantic intensity, and objectified partner sex. It is defined by:
• Loss of control over the pursuit of sex – Sex addicts consistently break promises made to themselves and others to curtail, shift, or eliminate certain sexual behaviors, and often continue to act out those behaviors in secret.
• Ignoring and/or denying the consequences caused by sexual acting out – Sex addicts continue to engage in problematic (for the particular individual) sexual behaviors despite negative consequences, often blaming the consequences on someone or something else. This can cause temporary or permanent harm to intimate relationships and family life, along with employment, school, legal, and physical and emotional health problems.
• Escalating patterns of problematic sexual behavior – Sex addicts, seeking to maintain or escalate the emotional and physical “high” of sexual acting out, will end up engaging in problematic sexual behaviors more frequently and/or for longer periods of time, and many will escalate to more intense sexual behaviors, some of which are illegal.
Unlike those who enjoy sex as personal exploration, recreation, or part of healthy intimacy, the sex addict’s focus is on using the excessive pursuit of sexual images and experiences to bolster an unstable emotional and internal world. Sexual fantasy, urges, and behaviors are used to prop up flagging moments of emotional self-stability, at the same time masking underlying social deficits, extensive histories of trauma, and personality challenges. In this way, sex addicts use sexual fantasy and behaviors to distract and dissociate from life stressors and challenges. Over time, the search for sexual intensity becomes a driving force and sole life focus. In this way, sex addicts lose opportunities to grow emotionally, becoming instead dependent on sexual fantasy, urges, and behaviors to self-regulate.
Most sex addicts describe a numbing rush of intensity when engaged in their obsessive pursuit of sex. By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
This trance-like “bubble” is actually a neurobiological state induced by the intense fantasies and actions that lead toward actual sex. In essence, sex addicts are hooked on the dissociative neurochemical high produced by their intense sexual fantasy life and that fantasy life’s related ritualistic behaviors. Ultimately, sex addicts find as much excitement in fantasizing about and searching for their next sexual encounter as in the sex act itself. As such, they can spend hours, sometimes even days, in this elevated state—high on the goal/idea of having sex—often without any physical contact. Minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days as the sexual addict secretly obsesses, plots, and carries out plans related to porn, strip clubs, massage parlors, sex-finder apps, prostitutes, affairs, and other potentially addictive sexual behaviors.
Sexual Addiction Is NOT…
The diagnosis of sexual addiction is not made simply because an individual engages in fetishistic or paraphilic sexual arousal/behavior, such as cross-dressing or BDSM. Such behaviors may lead the individual to keep sexual secrets, to feel shame or distress, and even to feel out of control, but they are not considered sexual addiction, per se. Nor are unwanted homosexual or bisexual arousal patterns and behaviors. Sexual addiction is not defined by what or whom an individual finds arousing—even if that arousal pattern is unwanted or ego-dystonic. Sexual addiction is instead defined by self- and other-objectified repetitive patterns of sexual urges, fantasy, and behavior utilized to self-medicate, dissociate, and/or stabilize emotional distress and other psychological triggers and conditions. Simply put, healthy people don’t consistently utilize sexual arousal as a means of feeling better when having a bad day. Sex addicts do, as sexual arousal is for them a primary emotional coping mechanism.
By Katherine Lee Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is the most common form of female sexual dysfunction. It’s defined as a chronic lack of interest in sexual activity that causes a woman distress — if a woman doesn’t view the lack of sexual interest as a problem, then it isn’t one.
Many physiological factors can dampen the libido’s fire. Menopause or a chronic medical condition can lead to physical changes that can affect a woman’s sex drive or lead to discomfort or decreased pleasure during sex.
And so can some drugs.
Drugs (and an Herb) That Affect Libido
Certain medications can interfere with the balance of hormones and transmission of chemical messengers in the brain, causing problems with libido and a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm. A few common medications can cause hypoactive sexual desire disorder. These include:
Antidepressants. Medications used to treat depression and anxiety symptoms are the most common drugs that can lead to hypoactive sexual desire disorder and other types of sexual dysfunction.
As an example, some commonly used antidepressants that can decrease sexual desire include fluoxetine (Prozac), paroxetine (Paxil), and sertraline (Zoloft). These drugs are SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), which means they work by making the “feel-good” hormone serotonin more available in the brain, thus improving mood. The problem: “Serotonin has a positive effect on mood but can have a negative effect on libido and orgasm,” says Jennifer Berman, MD, a urologist, a specialist in female sexual medicine, and the director of Berman Women’s Wellness Center in Los Angeles.
Birth control pills. As many as 30 percent to 40 percent of women who take birth control pills, such as Loestrin, can experience hypoactive sexual desire disorder, says Dr. Berman. “Birth control pills lower testosterone, which can lower libido,” says Berman.
Antihypertensives. Some medications commonly prescribed for high blood pressure like diuretics (such as furosemide or Lasix) and beta blockers (such as metoprolol) can lead to hypoactive sexual desire disorder. These drugs can dampen libido and cause difficulty reaching orgasm.
Chemotherapy, anti-cancer drugs. Drugs used to treat cancer are also associated with a reduced lack of sexual interest and hypoactive sexual desire disorder. For example, tamoxifen, a breast cancer drug, can lower estrogen levels, which can lower libido, says Berman. Cyclophosphamide, a chemotherapy drug, can cause vaginal dryness, reduced libido, and difficulty reaching orgasm.
Acne medications. Spironolactone is a drug that is usually prescribed to treat acne. It is also a diuretic that can be used to treat blood pressure or heart failure. It can have a negative effect on libido and lead to hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
Saw palmetto. This herbal remedy may lower testosterone and can play a role in hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
Women and Sexual Dysfunction: Replacing Medications
Women who experience hypoactive sexual desire disorder due to medications can try switching medications or finding alternative treatments. If the problem stems from oral contraceptives, the woman can consider switching to other forms of birth control such as an intrauterine device, says Berman.
If antidepressants are the cause, you may want to discuss with your doctor the possibility of reducing your dose or even consider looking for other causes of your mood disorder. (One often-overlooked cause of depression is hormonal imbalance, says Berman.) You can also consider switching to a more dopamine-driven drug, which is less likely to cause hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
As an alternative to hypertensive drugs that may cause hypoactive sexual desire disorder, you may want to consider calcium channel blockers or ACE inhibitors. “These drugs are less likely to have a negative impact on libido,” says Berman.
If you have hypoactive sexual desire disorder, discuss your options with your doctor. If medications are causing your hypoactive sexual desire disorder, you have options that can help you achieve a more satisfactory sex life.
Learn more in the Everyday Health Sexual Health Center.
By Lisa Esposito, HealthDay News WEDNESDAY, Nov. 2, 2011 (HealthDay News) — Some Boston parents might be in for a rude awakening: 13 percent of area high school students say they’ve received “sext” messages and one in 10 has either forwarded, sent or posted sexually suggestive, explicit or nude photos or videos of people they know by cellphone or online.
So found a study of more than 23,000 students, with the results scheduled to be presented Wednesday at the American Public Health Association’s annual meeting in Washington, D.C. Sexting can include overtones of bullying and coercion, and teens who are involved were more likely to report being psychologically distressed, depressed or even suicidal, according to the 2010 survey of 24 (of 26) high schools in Boston’s metro-west region.
Twice as many respondents who said they had sexted in the past year reported depressive symptoms, compared to teens who did not. Moreover, 13 percent of teen involved in sexting reported a suicide attempt during that period compared with 3 percent of non-sexting teens, according to the researchers at the Education Development Center in Newton, Mass.
That doesn’t mean that sexting leads to depression or increases suicide risk. “It’s a cross-sectional study — it shows an association but not a causal relationship,” explained lead researcher Shari Kessel Schneider. However, she added, “It’s important to know there’s a link between sexting and psychological distress. It’s something to be considered if you know of a youth who is involved in sexting.”
Of the high-school students, 10 percent of boys and 11 percent of girls said they had sent one of these images in the past year, while 6 percent of males and 4 percent of females had had such an image sent of themselves. The researchers also found that youths who did not self-identify as heterosexual — that is, they described themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual other or not sure — were more likely to be involved in sexting.
Other studies have examined sexting on a national basis, prompting parents to question how they can prevent their own children from posting — or posing for — these images. “I encourage parents to treat a kid’s cellphone as a computer: thinking of securing, protecting and limiting it,” said Marian Merritt, Internet safety advocate for Norton, part of Symantec Inc. As soon a child receives his or her first cell phone, “Set family rules. Age 12 is standard.”
“If that phone is a smartphone, password protect it,” she said. “It could prevent your child getting victimized” by someone else who picks it up and uses it. And to monitor your son’s or daughter’s use: “Check your online statement, to see if your child is sending a lot of photo messages.”
Parents need to take back control of the technology, she said, whether it’s by setting online time limits on the home wireless router or limiting access and privacy: “Charge the phone in the kitchen, some central location, so it’s not on their pillow, buzzing late at night with text messages.” Talk to your children, she said. “Don’t wait until they’re 16, that’s exactly the wrong way to do stuff. Start much earlier. Especially with boys, know how incredibly common it will be for them to receive a [sext] message. Ask them, ‘What would you do?’ What’s the right thing to do to protect the girl? Delete it?’ Try to make sure he shows empathy for the girl.”
Some adolescents will be more affected than others, Merritt said. “In general, with all the things on the Internet, it’s very hard to predict who will be impacted. Some kids are able to roll with it and there are others who can’t.” Justin Patchin, co-director of the Cyberbullying Research Center, said his first advice to teens who receive a sext message is this: “You should delete it and not tell anybody. If it’s doesn’t get disseminated and distributed, it’s ended.”
He said he’s received flak for suggesting on the center’s website that kids don’t always need to go to adults when sexting involves a friend (or girlfriend or boyfriend), but he still believes, “If you tell adults, you’re throwing that person under a bus.” Once people in authority, such as teachers and principals, are made aware of sexting, legal reporting requirements come into play.
“Adults, it seems, are forced to respond to sexting in extreme ways — ways that have long-term, irreversible consequences,” he posted in February. “Until we can develop reasonable responses that do not potentially foreclose on the futures of all involved, we are wise to advise that students do not contact adults, unless the situation is appearing to get out of control. And I think teens know when it is out of control.” Patchin doesn’t discount that sexting can have serious ramifications. “You can look at high-profile examples, of people with severe psychological problems,” he said, referring to two publicized cases of young girls committing suicide where sexting was a factor.
In his center’s dealings with sexting, he said, “We’ve talked with frustrated, embarrassed, upset kids.”
Merritt cautioned against overreacting about the findings and said she would like to see more data, for instance, on how sexting relates to teens’ gender orientation. Kessler Schneider’s group does intend to do more studies in that area. For now, she said, the Boston findings should “draw attention to the link between sexting and mental health, which should be addressed by anti-bullying and health-promotion initiatives.”
Because the new study was presented at a medical meeting, the data and conclusions should be viewed as preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.
About
Martin Kluger, Ph.D. - Director
Dr. Kluger is Executive Director and owner of The Center for Behavioral Health in Teaneck, NJ and Great Neck, NY.
He and his team of therapists specialize in several areas including the treatment of depression and anxiety as well as
marital and family issues. Dr. Kluger is also an expert in treating
children and adults with ADD.
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